You know a lot of people don’t like sex, but if it wasn’t for sex, none of us would be here.
Tag Archive for Stand up comedy
I’m on the new Hollywood diet, It takes a lot of discipline, none of you could do it.
I only eat dysentery, which helps my body squirt the weight out. It works very quickly, and I was amazed seeing how much excess weight is just brown mush.
Is biology the science that’s sometimes gay?
Or is it just the study of ‘two’ things
I’d be a lot better at revenge if I wasn’t so lazy. I can’t even motivate myself to make a list of people to enact sweet vengeance upon.
I would say we’re at the height of human achievement, except for the fact that people still don’t know how to pee inside a toilet.
When I think about past me, I think ‘that guys an idiot, he doesn’t know a fraction of what I know now.’
I’ve come so far. Even in a week. Week ago me, that guys fucking stupid.
Month ago me, that guys a moron. He believed things would be looking up by now.
Year ago me, he was probably eating rocks and hiding from ladders.
10 years ago me, that guy must have been too stupid to function. Between humping board games and throwing poop, it’s a miracle he survived.
Past me, you’re nothing compared to present me. Present me, you’re laughable compared to future me. Things are looking up for future me..
Asking a girl if she is pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it never ends well. Either she flips out on you for a false assumption based off weight gain. Or she flips out on you for not remembering that it’s yours, it was planned, and that you’re married..
Sorry ladies, it’s a private party, you have to be wearing uggs and black yoga pants to get in. Oh wait, that’s everybody, then come on in!
Police gave me a ticket for parking my car in a handicapped toilet stall.. I wasn’t even there five minutes. But you know handicapped people, they get pinned under your car for even a moment and they have to complain.