Tag Archive for lol
Science proves people are getting dumber by the day; 28 days until critical point is reached new study finds
If heaven is not an all you can eat pizza buffet, then I’m turning right back around
100 years from now, are people going to look back at reality TV shows and think ‘oh my god, what awful people forced these poor freaks to star in TV shows to be mocked and ridiculed?’ Similar to how we currently look back at how circus freaks were paraded around for people’s amusement and shock 100 years earlier.
Then, the future people will realize ‘oh, they weren’t forced at all, they willingly put their train wrecks of lives on national TV for everyone to see.’
When I think about past me, I think ‘that guys an idiot, he doesn’t know a fraction of what I know now.’
I’ve come so far. Even in a week. Week ago me, that guys fucking stupid.
Month ago me, that guys a moron. He believed things would be looking up by now.
Year ago me, he was probably eating rocks and hiding from ladders.
10 years ago me, that guy must have been too stupid to function. Between humping board games and throwing poop, it’s a miracle he survived.
Past me, you’re nothing compared to present me. Present me, you’re laughable compared to future me. Things are looking up for future me..
Asking a girl if she is pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it never ends well. Either she flips out on you for a false assumption based off weight gain. Or she flips out on you for not remembering that it’s yours, it was planned, and that you’re married..
Sharon: Wow, you have a lot of recycling bins, which one is for cans?
Demon Hunter: oh, it’s the third one over, between the forcibly removed skeletal systems and the impaled corpses.
We spend an average of 28 years waiting through previews, FBI warnings, and Blu Ray ads while watching DVD’s according to science
Never describe someone covered in boils as ‘bubbly’
Never, under any circumstance, ever, ask a double amputee to give you a hand
Does a crucifix have a different meaning to trees than to people?
Tree 1: hey, why’d they nail that guy to Helmsley?
Tree 2: let us remember Helmsley for all eternity
I want to walk around with a briefcase cuffed to my hand to tempt someone to steal it. Then when they hack off my hand and take the briefcase, all they will find inside is a note that reads:
Jokes on you, that ‘hand’ is a bomb
They’ll freak out and run away as fast as they can, then eventually realize that the true joke was that the hand was not a bomb at all, just a hand. Then they will feel look stupid.
I once ran for mayor, I lost. My opponent played a dirty campaign. He drugged me and dropped me off at a music festival where I proceeded to party hard and ruin an orgy with a little vomit. He had a spy to document the whole thing.
Jokes on him, he has to be mayor now; and I ruined his wife’s orgy, she was probably in a bad mood for days! It’s the little things that make you smile – that’s what she said?