Tag Archive for funny news

Science proves people are getting dumber by the day; 28 days until critical point is reached new study finds

Worlds First Vegan Car Introduced

The Daily Paper News
May 4, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

The worlds first 100% vegan all natural car has been unveiled.

Vegan car

 

Hippies the world over are lining up to pay the exorbitant costs to own a certified organic automobile.

“It runs on hemp oil and and the seats are made out of recycled dreadlocks” exclaimed one out of it fellow who went by the name ‘Treehouse’

Organic car

It doesn’t actually move, as that would cause pollution, but it is a step in the right direction. The biggest downside according to critics is that the car will not last more than a week before it is no longer useable.

“That’s because it’s not full of chemicals and preservatives” yelled one angry hippy who had been looking over my shoulder as I wrote this article.

 

 

Final Hunger Games book to be turned into 27 movies, one for each chapter

Hunger Games 3 chapter 1

Hunger Games 3 chapter 1

The Daily Paper News

May 29, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

Lionsgate has stated that they like money and for that reason, they plan to stretch out each of the 27 short chapters of Mockingjay into its own movie to increase profits.

How will there be enough plot to fill a 2 1/2 hour movie from a few pages, “doesn’t matter” says studio head Don Honson, “it’s got Jennifer Lawrence, everybody loves Jennifer Lawrence.”

Fans were outraged at the news and plan to express that outrage by only seeing each movie once, or maybe twice at the theaters before buying the special editions on DVD.

With one movie coming out per year, Jennifer Lawrence will be 50 years old when the final movie is released, will she be too old to play the action star, “doesn’t matter” said Honson, “everybody loves Jennifer Lawrence.”

Rapper Pitbull attacks and maims 3-year old at concert

Rapper Pitbull attacks

Rapper Pitbull attacks

The Daily Paper News
May 1, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

A more aggressive than usual Pitbull turned on a 3-year old girl during a concert in the park last evening. No one is sure what provoked the attack, witnesses say he was onstage rapping as usual, then for no apparent reason, he jumped off stage and viciously attacked the 3-year old.

“He went after her face first, then clamped down on her neck and wouldn’t let go” describes a horrified onlooker.

According to another: “The dad took a broom handle and repeatedly struck Pitbull until they were able to pry him off the girl.”

Afterwards, the dazed Pitbull took back to the stage to continue the concert. Police later took him into custody.

The girl is being treated for multiple lacerations to her face and neck, but is expected to recover.

“I don’t understand, he’s usually so sweet” said one witness.

“It’s all in how he was raised” said another.

“I’d still let him watch my kids” blurted out a drunken bystander.

Authorities are unsure how to handle the situation. Local residents are calling for Pitbull to be put down.

Women fake orgasms 100% of the time confirms new study by inadequate scientist

The Daily Paper News
Apr 14, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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Frustrated scientist Dr. Lee Marvin has conclusively deduced after years of exhaustive research that it is impossible for a woman to have a “real” orgasm. Dr. Marvin, a long time proponent of that the female orgasm is a myth was happy to publish his findings in the Harvard Journal.

Dr. Marvin celebrated the conclusion of his study with a cup of coffee and a cigarette at a run down cafe.

“Aye aye aye.” was all he had to say upon reflection.

Next, Dr. Marvin plans to delve in and discover if the male orgasm is indeed real as well.

Breaking News: Church and State are Back Together Citing Time Apart Gave Them the Room They Needed To Grow

The Daily Paper News
Mar 4, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

Men Worldwide Practice Their ‘It’s the Thought That Counts’ Defense in preparation for Valentine’s Day

The Daily Paper News
Feb 12, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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Breaking News: Chuck Norris Discovers the Internet – and the Slew of Jokes About his Abilities. He Immediately Kicks his Computer

The Daily Paper News
Feb 12, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

Scientists Confirm it is In Fact Better to Hate the Player Instead of the Game

The Daily Paper News
Feb 10, 2014 | T. Doeringer
thededucers.com

When is it a Good Time to Fight a Pregnant Woman – Never, Suggests New Study

The Daily Paper News
Feb 9, 2014
Thededucers.com

George Zimmerman to Fight Obesity in New Ploy for Attention

The Daily Paper News
Feb 10, 2014 | T. Doeringer
thededucers.com

The Smartest Doctor Is As Bright As The Dumbest Boxer New Study Suggests

The Daily Paper news
Feb 9, 2014
Thededucers.com

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Celebrity Name Changes for 2014

The Daily Paper News
http://www.thededucers.com/
The Daily Paper | Jan 22, 2014 | T. Doeringer

It’s a new year and with it comes some fresh names out of Hollywood. Some are fab, some are drab, some are downright strange. Here are the latest name changes from your favorite celebrities:

• P. Diddy – Camel Cash Millionaire
• Snoop Lion – Snoop Liger
• Madonna – Slop Bucket
• Brad Pitt – Bradley Horatio Pistssss
• Hugh Grant – Chuckles
• Jennifer Lawrence – Jennifer Abovethelawrence
• Richard Gere – L.A. Gear
• Zooey Deschannel – Pooper
• Tayler Lautner – Taye Diggs
• Taye Diggs – Po Tay Tay
• MC Hammer – MC Squared
• Hillary Clinton – Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton
• Amy Adams – Bubbles
• Taylor Swift – Madame Nutkicker
• Bruce Willis – Bruce the Bruce
• Angelina Jolie – Encyclopedia Brittanica

Baby North West to Star in Remake of Hitchcock Classic Turned Buddy Cop Movie ‘North by North West.’ Kanye to Play North.

The Daily Paper | Nov 14, 2013 | T. Doeringer

Kanye West and baby daughter North West will star as two cops who don’t get along at first, but eventually reconcile differences to combat crop duster planes and bad guys atop Mount Rushmore in the amped up remake of the Classic spy thriller starring Cary Grant.

“She’s the greatest actor of our generation” boasted Kanye about his infant daughters talents. “Sometimes she gives me a look, and I just know she pooped, now how she do that.” He went on.

Kim Kardashian is very supportive of the project. She stated “She’ll be famous for doing something, which I think is very important, not enough people are doing that.”

Kim and Kanye are expecting a second baby, once immaculate conception occurs.

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New Breed of Flying Spider Discovered

Flying spider

Flying Spider

The Daily Paper News
Travis Doeringer
October 23, 2013

The greatest nightmare of many has come true, Venezuelan Flying Spiders have been discovered in Florida. What many thought was impossible is now a frightening reality. Beach goers fled from Fernando Beach Tuesday after a mid morning invasion. While many reported bites inflicted, more were injured from the stampede of shear panic at the sight of swarms of flying spiders.

“It was like a bad movie, like Million Dollar Baby” said one beach goer.

“I’m going to read the bible because this feels like the apocalypse” said another.

Police were called in, but their weapons were useless against the spider covered beach. An army of exterminators was dispatched to bomb the entire coast. Scientists fear this is just the beginning of a terrifying new reality. One where flying spiders are real.

Dr. Michael Westen, a local expert warns, if you encounter a flying spider, don’t try to reason with it, they’re like sharks, they don’t stand for reason. Instead, get inside, if they get inside your home, use a large shoe, then immediately flush it down the toilet. It’s the only way to be sure.

No one knows where the flying spiders came from, but one thing is for sure, we’re all going to die.