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7 Proven strategies when asking for a promotion

28/02/2013 Amsterdam Nederland: Beelden voor brochure en website van DSF Duisenberg school of finance.

Wikimedia commons via Duisenberg school of finance.

 

Everyone wants to be the leader, here are 7 surefire ways to secure the position you deserve.

 

1. Threaten the boss

Studies prove that managers want assertive team members who aren’t afraid to go the extra mile. If you believe you could take your boss in a fight, threaten them with violence. If they are bigger than you, threaten their family

 

2. Blackmail

When it comes to getting what you want, there is no better tactic than blackmail. Just ask anyone in power. Don’t believe us, check out these Skull and Bone pics of our world leaders performing humiliating sexual acts. You won’t see the people in those photos stepping out of line.

 

3. Challenge the boss to a breakdance battle

According to Forbes, all of the world’s top executives are master breakdancers. If you’ve got the skills, what are you doing at the bottom?

 

4. Offer sex

You don’t have to actually do it, just the thought of sex will seal any deal. When it comes time to perform, just say you have a headache.

 

5. Call the boss late at night and play the audio from Liam Neeson’s Taken Speech

No one crosses Liam Neeson, no one.

 

6. Ask for a demotion

According to the latest stats, surprise is essential in any negotiation. Throw them off the trail with this humble request. If they actually do demote you, ask for your old position back, which is a promotion in and of itself.

 

7. Be the boss

Even more effective than dressing for that position you want is acting like the position you want. Give orders to all, leave work early every Friday, take 3 hour lunches, be a dick. Nothing screams authority like being a dick.

 

If none of these work, resolve that you’re stuck in this rudimentary position and seduce the boss’s spouse. Because that’s what bosses are for right.