Tag Archive for creative writing

Starbucks New Slogan

The creative team has assembled to come up with a new slogan for Starbucks.


Director:  Alright team, hit me.

Carli:  Starbucks, we’re your only choice.

Barbs:  Starbucks, we have cream and sugar, you’ll need a lot of it.

Cheedo:  Starbucks, once you go black…

Director:  I’m going to stop you right there. I’m not sure those slogans capture the essence of our brand.

Skasha:  Starbucks, yeah, we’re still doing the venti grandé thing. Fuck you.

Carli:  Or, Starbucks, we invented Ariana Grandé.

Barbs:  Starbucks, dark roasts for light people.

Director:  No.

Cheedo:  Starbucks, we’ll make you shit.

Director: Guys, these are awful, now come on, I need a winner.

Carli:  Starbucks, go fuck yourself

Director:  Why?

Carli:  Because we can.

Barbs:  Because we care.

Skasha:  Can we officially change our name to Starfucks?

Cheedo:  Or even better, Buttfucks!

Director:  We’re not changing our name, and don’t give me any more fucks.

Skasha:  Never do.

Carli:  Here’s a drawing I did for a mascot, his name is Dr. Bloodstool. See, he’s a bloody piece of poop. And he says ‘Remember to drink lots of Starbucks’ in a silly little voice.

Barbs:  Maybe make it should look more like a baby, to connect with the female demographic.

Carli:  Ooh, that’s good, a bloody poop baby that loves Starbucks.

Director:  No, that is not good, clearly I’ll have to do this myself.




Director:  Okay, give me a mockup of that poop baby.

Mar 30 – Jon Kong Santa Claus

Nobody likes a bad waiter, that’s why I quit after one day. The year was 1988, this is not my waiter story, it’s a different one. The great wind had arrived from the north. It was a terrible cold outside. The family and I all bundled in as we had no heat – my parents were 80’s hipsters, and the trend then was that heat was un-cool – no pun intended, or if there was, it went over my head back then. We watched a documentary on penguins to learn their survival skills of not being eaten by orca whales. Then the doorbell rang, it was Santa Claus, we all knew it was actually our drunk neighbor Jon Kong coming over to get in the huddle, he had a thing for my mom. Drunken Santa told my dad there was some beef jerky in the bottom of his large sack, my dad crawled in to look. That’s when Santa made his move. He pulled off his breakaway Santa pants to reveal a lovely set of grapes tucked into his thong (in case he got hungry). He then squeezed my moms butt, threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared into the night never to be seen again.

I tell this story because Jon Kong appeared to me on a broken TV I passed on the street the other day. He told me I should buy this TV as it will guide my life down the proper path. I listened to him as I listen to all visions and as I sit here watching a broken television I realize his true message – TV is a waste of time.. oh wait, here comes a message, maybe the TV does work. Nope, it’s just another message from god about non-believers and the streets flowing red.. Boooooooooring.