If the news was a person, we’d hate that bastard. “oh no, here comes the news.” “Get the he’ll away from me you negative depressing trying to scare me with bullshit square jowled ridiculous named motherfucker! And shut the fuck up about the god damned economy!”
Tag Archive for comedy
You know a lot of people don’t like sex, but if it wasn’t for sex, none of us would be here.
I’m on the new Hollywood diet, It takes a lot of discipline, none of you could do it.
I only eat dysentery, which helps my body squirt the weight out. It works very quickly, and I was amazed seeing how much excess weight is just brown mush.
Is biology the science that’s sometimes gay?
Or is it just the study of ‘two’ things
We get to the end of the action movie and my wife must decide which of us is the evil robot clone and which of us is her husband.
I suggest she has sex with both of us as that would surely make it clear which of us is truly her husband. After an intense bout of serious doing it, I look into her eyes and tell her she just had sex with a robot.
She shoots me.
I’d be a lot better at revenge if I wasn’t so lazy. I can’t even motivate myself to make a list of people to enact sweet vengeance upon.
I would say we’re at the height of human achievement, except for the fact that people still don’t know how to pee inside a toilet.
Teacher: help, I’m drowning!
Kid in a row boat: can you reach my oar?
Teacher: I don’t know, can I?
As the teacher sinks, their last thought is: ‘haha, classic’
There’s a lot of hubbub about some legendary creatures and events. Finally the truth of their existence.
Bigfoot – True. Yeti’s exist, there’s thousands of them. But they’re like ninjas, you never see them till its too late. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa.
Ghosts – Yep, ghosts are real. The closest depiction of their existence is the movie Ghost. The writer had a ghost friend who does most of the writing work, a true ghost writer.
BTW, sorry about taking Swayze early, we needed a little dose of awesome around here. And yes, he’s still dancing, bouncing, driving rigs, and surfing and robbing banks. I would be Swayze if I could pull off such awesomeness.
Loch Ness Monster – She’s about as true as that magic dragon that lives by the sea. One grainy picture of seaweed proves nothing.
Area 51 – It was an alien vessel that crashed that night, but aliens were not flying it, humans were. Whaaa, mind blown..
A couple of farm boys stole the ship from an exploring alien that had abducted their sister a year earlier. Their attempt to reach the mother ship was cut short because they didn’t know to activate the cloaking device. The Air Force spotted the alien ship and shot it down. The boys died in the fiery crash.
The family was not left without any children though, they wisely used the stranded alien as a trade for their daughter. And that little girls name was Bea Arthur… Just kidding, she was nobody.