You write with the eloquence of a Nigerian prince
Archive for Travis Tells Jokes
If the news was a person, we’d hate that bastard. “oh no, here comes the news.” “Get the he’ll away from me you negative depressing trying to scare me with bullshit square jowled ridiculous named motherfucker! And shut the fuck up about the god damned economy!”
You know a lot of people don’t like sex, but if it wasn’t for sex, none of us would be here.
I’m on the new Hollywood diet, It takes a lot of discipline, none of you could do it.
I only eat dysentery, which helps my body squirt the weight out. It works very quickly, and I was amazed seeing how much excess weight is just brown mush.
Is biology the science that’s sometimes gay?
Or is it just the study of ‘two’ things
We get to the end of the action movie and my wife must decide which of us is the evil robot clone and which of us is her husband.
I suggest she has sex with both of us as that would surely make it clear which of us is truly her husband. After an intense bout of serious doing it, I look into her eyes and tell her she just had sex with a robot.
She shoots me.
I’d be a lot better at revenge if I wasn’t so lazy. I can’t even motivate myself to make a list of people to enact sweet vengeance upon.
I would say we’re at the height of human achievement, except for the fact that people still don’t know how to pee inside a toilet.
I’m the best at procrastinating. If procrastinating were an Olympic event, I wouldn’t show up
Growing up, my dad was strange. I know there’s family businesses, but strip clubs should not be one of them..
If heaven is not an all you can eat pizza buffet, then I’m turning right back around
When I think about past me, I think ‘that guys an idiot, he doesn’t know a fraction of what I know now.’
I’ve come so far. Even in a week. Week ago me, that guys fucking stupid.
Month ago me, that guys a moron. He believed things would be looking up by now.
Year ago me, he was probably eating rocks and hiding from ladders.
10 years ago me, that guy must have been too stupid to function. Between humping board games and throwing poop, it’s a miracle he survived.
Past me, you’re nothing compared to present me. Present me, you’re laughable compared to future me. Things are looking up for future me..
Asking a girl if she is pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it never ends well. Either she flips out on you for a false assumption based off weight gain. Or she flips out on you for not remembering that it’s yours, it was planned, and that you’re married..
It’s kind of racist that we still have ant farms full of black ants working as a white owner watches