Archive for The Daily Paper News

Science proves people are getting dumber by the day; 28 days until critical point is reached new study finds

Norovirus causes mass vomiting at SoCal university, Norton Antivirus claims students should have clicked the checkbox to enable software in the toolbar

The Daily Paper NewsDec 9, 2015 | T. Doeringer

http://www.thededucers.com/

Science disproves ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ rule

Scientists discover that doctors are idiots, four out of five doctors disagree

Motivational coach shot for trying to trademark the phrase ‘I’m going to Bruce Willthis into manifesting’

We spend an average of 28 years waiting through previews, FBI warnings, and Blu Ray ads while watching DVD’s according to science

Riot police show tolerance as protesters turn over a new Leaf

The Daily Paper News
May 13, 2015 | T. Doeringer

http://www.thededucers.com/

turn over a new Leaf

As protests reached climactic heights, riot police shocked crowds by not turning to violence and instead, showed clemency as angry protesters flipped several cars down the major thoroughfare.

“We were just about to unleash the fury, but something about seeing them turn over a new Leaf made us all see the light I guess. I don’t know, maybe because it’s zero emissions that we didn’t feel like beating them senseless. That and we were all pretty tired from a long week of clubbing.” Stated Sergeant Commander Voit.

“These damn cops, with their tasers and their Uuuuuuuuuuuuh” said one angry protester

Autumn Oakley, the owner of the Leaf is quoted as saying “I helped roll it, …yeah it was a stupid thing to roll my own car, but I just got caught up in the moment, and it was so light and easy to roll, probably because it’s zero emissions.

Commissioner Gordon issued a release stating that police intend to resume violence around 11:00pm tonight.

Worlds First Vegan Car Introduced

The Daily Paper News
May 4, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

The worlds first 100% vegan all natural car has been unveiled.

Vegan car

 

Hippies the world over are lining up to pay the exorbitant costs to own a certified organic automobile.

“It runs on hemp oil and and the seats are made out of recycled dreadlocks” exclaimed one out of it fellow who went by the name ‘Treehouse’

Organic car

It doesn’t actually move, as that would cause pollution, but it is a step in the right direction. The biggest downside according to critics is that the car will not last more than a week before it is no longer useable.

“That’s because it’s not full of chemicals and preservatives” yelled one angry hippy who had been looking over my shoulder as I wrote this article.

 

 

Seal opens ‘Club Seal’ nightclub to the dismay of many

The Daily Paper News
Feb 11, 2015 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

Club Seal

The artist Seal, best known for being married to Heidi Klum, is prepping for the grand opening of his nightclub curiously titled ‘Club Seal’

Demonstrators dawning fake seal carcasses gathered out front to protest the opening. They believe the club name will make the early 90’s fad of clubbing seals kitsch again.

“Hipsters will ironically take up any activity if it makes them feel unique” said one protester

Seals, unaware of any possible danger, have had little response to requests for interviews beyond random barking and balancing of inflatable balls.

One seal did go on record to say: “the club can’t even handle me right now”

 

Newest Celebrity Trend: Male Nipple Removal

The Daily Paper News – A Year in Review
www.thededucers.com/
The Daily Paper | (originally published) Jan 6, 2014 | T. Doeringer

Male nipple removal

If you thought breast augmentation was a thing of the past, think again. Now the boys of Hollywood are jumping on the band wagon in droves following a few of the hottest trendsetters. But it’s not breast enlargement they’re flocking to, it’s breast removal, nipple removal to be more precise. Dr. Anjular, plastic surgeon to the stars has made this latest trend his specialty.

“Men are finally realizing that the male nipple is completely useless” says Dr. Anjular. He added:

“As my father used to say, if you can’t milk it, cut it off.”

Who’s getting the ‘nip clip’ as it’s being called? Only the biggest names in the industry; Justin Bieber, Channing Tatum and Taylor Lautner to name a few.

“Yo, nipples is whack” explained Tatum between break dance battles.

Lautner added:

“I finally don’t feel like a girl anymore.”

Tom Cruise went on the record to say “I considered male nipple removal, but I’d rather get my adam’s apple removed.”

Rappers delight in new pool

The Daily Paper News
Aug 7, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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Summer is too damn hot says the Atlanta rap community, we need a pool. And that is just what they got.

“This time, instead of rapping about it, we built it.” Said P-dids Combs

“I’m gonna bring my weights” added 50 cent

“I’m gonna look at Kim’s salacious booty” butted in Kanye

“They wouldn’t let me in” said Eminem passionately

“Now we just need some bitches!” Quoth Rihanna

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San Diego Zoo to Introduce Panda Fight Nights

The Daily Paper News
July 25, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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“Who doesn’t love a fight” says Dr. Rudy Hoytable, noted animalologist at the San Diego Zoo.

With panda viewing down, this was the inevitable move.

“Every Friday night, we’re going to put two pandas in a steel cage and let them fight it out. Apparently, that’s how they do it in their natural habitat, pandas are known for forming their own fight clubs, it’s sort of cool.” Hoytable divulged after a back alley steroids purchase.

Animal rights activists are furious at the $80 entrance fee.

“That’s cutting into my hemp belts budget” cried one

“The pandas don’t even get a cut of the gate” bitched another

One thing is clear, everybody is behind this.

“There are numerous benefits” said Zach Morehouse, owner of the zoo, “we stand to make millions of the gambling revenue alone.”

“If this thing takes off the way we hope it will, we have big plans for the future, deadly obstacles, weaponry, team events, and even lasers.” Said Suzy Uki, head of animal care.

Excitement in the panda house is at an all time high. Fans are piling in; picking their favorites and hoping to see some early action. The pandas have already mauled one onlooker who got a little too close.

“They’re hungry for blood, it’s our job to give them the opportunities to take it” said some random guy who later passed it in the park.

Ghost of Colonel Sanders appears at civil war reenactment to provide support, chicken

The Daily Paper News
July 11, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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After a prolonged day of intense imaginary battle, the confederate re-enactors grew weary of war and needed sustenance. The hour was late, what could be done. It is written that legendary war time commander Colonel Sanders always predicted the need for food hours before others even realized they were hungry. Today was no different, except for the fact that the Colonel died many years ago from battle wounds and now makes appearances as a chicken peddling ghost.

The soldiers rejoiced at the site of the now defunct Colonel rising again from the dead to feed them delicious chicken.

“Now maybe we can win this thing” stated one of the confederate generals, not understanding how re-enactments work.

The Colonel also divulged the super secret 11 herbs and spices in hopes of brokering lasting peace. At long last, here they are, the Colonel’s secret 11 herbs and spices:

Salt
Oregano
Paprika
Apple rind
Salt
Rutabaga
Pepper
Salt
Cardamon
Tears (preferably of your enemy)
Sage

President finds half eaten sandwich, eats it; Biden pissed

The Daily Paper News
July 9, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

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President Obama committed the ultimate faux pas by eating Joe Biden’s leftover sandwich.

“He didn’t even check to see who’s it was, he just ate the damn thing.” said Biden, teeth clenched. He continued “I’d been looking forward to that sandwich all day. This is so typical of him, gawd.”

Reports indicate that Biden has been giving Obama the cold shoulder and is not sure if he wants to remain the presidents number two.

“I don’t like being number two.” Biden later clarified.

Final Hunger Games book to be turned into 27 movies, one for each chapter

Hunger Games 3 chapter 1

Hunger Games 3 chapter 1

The Daily Paper News

May 29, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

Lionsgate has stated that they like money and for that reason, they plan to stretch out each of the 27 short chapters of Mockingjay into its own movie to increase profits.

How will there be enough plot to fill a 2 1/2 hour movie from a few pages, “doesn’t matter” says studio head Don Honson, “it’s got Jennifer Lawrence, everybody loves Jennifer Lawrence.”

Fans were outraged at the news and plan to express that outrage by only seeing each movie once, or maybe twice at the theaters before buying the special editions on DVD.

With one movie coming out per year, Jennifer Lawrence will be 50 years old when the final movie is released, will she be too old to play the action star, “doesn’t matter” said Honson, “everybody loves Jennifer Lawrence.”