Archive for Factoids – by God

How I would die

How I would die

If I was mortal, here are some of the ways I’d like to go out:
• Eating sushi till I explode.
• Failing to disarm a huge bomb. At two seconds, I’ll cut the red cord, which speeds up the timer for the last two seconds and boom.
• In a samurai sword fight against a few hundred Yakuza soldiers.
• Falling from a plane at 30,000 feet (which I’d survive, it’d be the alligators in the swamp that take me out).
• On the titanic, wailing on my harmonica.
• In a light saber battle.
• In a gladiator arena, vs a tiger.
• Attempting to jump the Grand Canyon without a running start. And singing ‘I Believe I can Fly’ all the way down.
• Getting trampled at a Black Friday event.
• By a terminator.
• Riding a missile.
• Russian roulette. At a nice seedy underground place with international playboys and royalty watching on.
• In the Hunger Games.
• By a wizard.
• In a real life game of Choose Your Own Adventure.
• In a real life game of Oregon Trail. Yes I know it actually existed, but I want a real life game, where my choices lead to dysentery. But not without some awesome hunting along the way.
• On an asteroid, sacrificing myself to save my daughter and her loser boyfriend, while Aerosmith plays live on the asteroid. Yes, they die with me, which they’re okay with because that’s awesome.

If I could be

If I could be…

Any musician:
Jewel, she’s the coolest.

Any movie star:
Schwarzenegger, duh.

Any historical figure:
Hmm, Montezuma, I’d love to be known as the guy who gets revenge by doling out diarrhea. I’m not big on revenge, except when it’s diarrhea.

Any movie character:
Teen Wolf, come on, he’s a werewolf who kills it on the basketball court. White guys will take any advantage they can get. Not saying I’m a white guy, but I play basketball like one.

Any athlete:
Other than Teen Wolf, probably Jesse Owens. And I’d wear one black glove and raise it up the whole run. Then I’d flash my giant gold medal in Hitler’s face and quote some DMX, yeah, that’s how I would do it.

Any animal:
A dog, all you have to do is be cool and you’re taken care of for life.

Any super hero:
The invisible man, sometimes I just want to be left alone.

Any writer:
All the Brontë sisters combined into one super Brontë, with a massive typewriter that writes huge books of epic awesomeness.

Any poet:
Poetry sucks.

My Preferred Occupations

It’s tough work being the god. Sometimes I fantasize I had a simple life like you people. He are my preferred occupations in order:

1. Ninja, obviously. Coolest job ever. I mean, you’re paid to be a ninja, how rad would life be? Could you imagine picking up a woman: “What do you do for a living?” “Oh me, I’m just a ninja.” Then you hit her with a throwing star because no one can know your secret.

2. Lifeguard. I’d pretty much want Michael Hasselhoff’s life. First a Knight Rider, then a life guard. Come on, talk about ruling the earth. And that would look great on the old résumé, Knight Rider 1982-1986,
Lifeguard Boss 1989-2000,
2000-Present: doesn’t matter.

3. A horse girl. One of those girls who loves horses a lot. Spends her day brushing them, and writing poetry under a tree. Tells everyone how they’re beautiful and gentle creatures. Gotta love em.

4. A stuntman. A short life is fine if done well.

5. A one hit wonder. What an easy life. Except for the unending supply of people saying “Hey, aren’t you that so and so gal” and then making fun of you for your song and life choices. I’m sorry, how many number one hits did yo have, that’s what I thought! (Yes, maybe I was an incarnation of Tiffany…)

6. A teacher. A good one is so important. I’d have long fussy hair and wear a full length skirt with faded patchwork patterns. And big glasses of course.

7. A kept man. Why not.

8. A cheer leading coach. Not a creepy dude one, a lesbian one.

9. A figure skater. Not a dude or lesbian, but a hot foreign girl that gets her press for looks over talent. God likes to coast and not have to work as hard.

10. A whacky inventor. Like Doc Brown in Back to the Future.

The Myths Busted

There’s a lot of hubbub about some legendary creatures and events. Finally the truth of their existence.

Bigfoot – True. Yeti’s exist, there’s thousands of them. But they’re like ninjas, you never see them till its too late. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa.

Ghosts – Yep, ghosts are real. The closest depiction of their existence is the movie Ghost. The writer had a ghost friend who does most of the writing work, a true ghost writer.
BTW, sorry about taking Swayze early, we needed a little dose of awesome around here. And yes, he’s still dancing, bouncing, driving rigs, and surfing and robbing banks. I would be Swayze if I could pull off such awesomeness.

Loch Ness Monster – She’s about as true as that magic dragon that lives by the sea. One grainy picture of seaweed proves nothing.

Area 51 – It was an alien vessel that crashed that night, but aliens were not flying it, humans were. Whaaa, mind blown..
A couple of farm boys stole the ship from an exploring alien that had abducted their sister a year earlier. Their attempt to reach the mother ship was cut short because they didn’t know to activate the cloaking device. The Air Force spotted the alien ship and shot it down. The boys died in the fiery crash.
The family was not left without any children though, they wisely used the stranded alien as a trade for their daughter. And that little girls name was Bea Arthur… Just kidding, she was nobody.

Truths you didn’t know

Truths you didn’t know

Amelia Earhart was dead before her plane took off.

Anastasia Romanov survived and still lives in Virginia.

Charles Lindbergh lost his baby in a hand of cards.

All Beatles music contains messages from the devil. Mostly inconsequential, example: In Hey Jude, the Devil reveals he’s not a fan of ham.

The first Baby Ruth’s were made with some flesh of Babe Ruth.

Edgar Allen Poe wrote his own version of the bible. It was amazing.

At the original Chuckie Cheese, the bears were real.

Albert Einstein once beat the ever living shit out of Thomas Edison over a who had the uglier feet contest.

Australians don’t have a number system.