Archive for Everything

7 Proven strategies when asking for a promotion

28/02/2013 Amsterdam Nederland: Beelden voor brochure en website van DSF Duisenberg school of finance.

Wikimedia commons via Duisenberg school of finance.

 

Everyone wants to be the leader, here are 7 surefire ways to secure the position you deserve.

 

1. Threaten the boss

Studies prove that managers want assertive team members who aren’t afraid to go the extra mile. If you believe you could take your boss in a fight, threaten them with violence. If they are bigger than you, threaten their family

 

2. Blackmail

When it comes to getting what you want, there is no better tactic than blackmail. Just ask anyone in power. Don’t believe us, check out these Skull and Bone pics of our world leaders performing humiliating sexual acts. You won’t see the people in those photos stepping out of line.

 

3. Challenge the boss to a breakdance battle

According to Forbes, all of the world’s top executives are master breakdancers. If you’ve got the skills, what are you doing at the bottom?

 

4. Offer sex

You don’t have to actually do it, just the thought of sex will seal any deal. When it comes time to perform, just say you have a headache.

 

5. Call the boss late at night and play the audio from Liam Neeson’s Taken Speech

No one crosses Liam Neeson, no one.

 

6. Ask for a demotion

According to the latest stats, surprise is essential in any negotiation. Throw them off the trail with this humble request. If they actually do demote you, ask for your old position back, which is a promotion in and of itself.

 

7. Be the boss

Even more effective than dressing for that position you want is acting like the position you want. Give orders to all, leave work early every Friday, take 3 hour lunches, be a dick. Nothing screams authority like being a dick.

 

If none of these work, resolve that you’re stuck in this rudimentary position and seduce the boss’s spouse. Because that’s what bosses are for right.

A Great Wizard

 
We lost a great wizard. You will be remembered Saruman (aka Christopher Lee) 

Worlds First Vegan Car Introduced

The Daily Paper News
May 4, 2014 | T. Doeringer
http://www.thededucers.com/

The worlds first 100% vegan all natural car has been unveiled.

Vegan car

 

Hippies the world over are lining up to pay the exorbitant costs to own a certified organic automobile.

“It runs on hemp oil and and the seats are made out of recycled dreadlocks” exclaimed one out of it fellow who went by the name ‘Treehouse’

Organic car

It doesn’t actually move, as that would cause pollution, but it is a step in the right direction. The biggest downside according to critics is that the car will not last more than a week before it is no longer useable.

“That’s because it’s not full of chemicals and preservatives” yelled one angry hippy who had been looking over my shoulder as I wrote this article.

 

 

Funniest Tweets Ever

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Fast Food Fails

Fast food at its finest

Fast food fail Fast food fail welcome to prison

Fast food fail

 

 

you’ll need this to help with the one above

Fast food fail

 

Fast food fail Fast food fail  Fast food fail Fast food fail Fast food fail Fast food fail

A win perhaps, cuts down on travel time..

Fast food fail

 

 

How to use a public restroom

Four easy step to bathroom success

  1. Pee all over the seat. Hover, lean, or stand, just make sure the entire seat is covered.
  2. If someone is waiting to use the toilet, take an obnoxiously long time – fuck ’em
  3. If you are pooping, make sure to get that on the seat as well. Sit sideways or too far back as necessary. Or, just wipe the poopy toilet paper onto the seat.
  4. Use all of the toilet paper, especially if someone is waiting to go after you. Unroll it onto the floor, then pee on the floor to make sure it’s unusable – fuck ’em

How to walk on a sidewalk

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Feb 25 – the ruined orgy

I once ran for mayor, I lost. My opponent played a dirty campaign. He drugged me and dropped me off at a music festival where I proceeded to party hard and ruin an orgy with a little vomit. He had a spy to document the whole thing.

Jokes on him, he has to be mayor now; and I ruined his wife’s orgy, she was probably in a bad mood for days! It’s the little things that make you smile – that’s what she said?

Ikea Crime Scene

Ikea Crime Scene

B B & LeavemetheFalone

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25 Most WTF Album Covers

25 Most WTF Album Covers

These you can judge by their covers..

T. Doeringer – thededucers.com

 

1. Tijuana Picnic, by Colonel Sanders

wtf tijuana picnic

This is where Colonel Sanders introduced rap to the world, and coincidentally gave new meaning to the term “Tijuana Picnic”

 

2. Joyce, by Joyce

wtf joyce

No surprises here, Joyce lays it out for you plain. If you’re in the mood for an album that’s warm and delightful, Joyce. A steal at 50 cents!

 

3. Zip Zap Rap! by Devastatin’ Dave, the Turntable Slave

wtf album zip zap rap

If you’ve ever seen Dave live on stage, you’ll know that lasers shoot out of those two fingers.

 

4. Pleasure Man, by Gunther

wtf album covers gunter pleasureman

For most women, one look at this album cover is all it takes to send them to the heights of pleasure.

 

5 “Can I Borrow a Feelin’?” by Cody Matherson

wtf album cover can i borrow a feelin

Always Cody, always.

 

6. Light Up the Night, by the Brothers Johnson

hilarious album covers the brothers johnson

These intergalactic love machines could teach us how to advance our civilization beyond our wildest dreams. But why waste time with that when there are ladies to pleasure and a purple photon gun to shoot.

 

7. Waking and Dreaming, by Orleans

wtf album covers orleans waking and dreaming

It took an entire week of photo shoots to realize the best set up was beard, no beard, beard, no beard, beard. Little know fact, these guys are all centaurs.

 

8. Front to Back, by Wasnatch

wtf album covers wasnatch front to back

Much like Kanye West, this classically trained musician ingeniously finds innovative ways to produce great sounds.

 

9. Bruno Maltise is “Heavens’s Hitman”

wtf album cover bruno maltise

His only rule is no women, no children – applies to all aspects of his life.

 

10. Por Primera Vez, by Tino

funniest album covers Tino

Tito is a direct result of Pleasureman, in more than one way.

 

11. Recibi um Convite, by Quim Barreiros

wtf album covers quim barreiros

I too play my accordion in the nude, anyone who knows accordion knows this is the only way to play.

 

12. Lady’s Fancy, by Dan Crary

weirdest album covers ladys fancy

What we can’t see here are the hordes of naked women fighting for a chance with Dan.

 

13. Zivan Sazamandic’s masterpiece: AYbNHYWKA (sp?)

wtf album cover zivan saramandic

Zivan Sazamandic is known for bearing the greatest afro ever grown by a white man.

 

14. “Jesus Use Me” by The Faith Tones

wtf album covers jesus use me

Yeah, okay. I’m sure we have something for you. Let me check with the big man and get back to you. Won’t be long, I promise..

 

15. A Taste of Dick Black, by Dick Black and his Band

dirty album covers a taste of dick black

Curvy white girls know this to be good.

 

16. Trapalhadas do Balbino, by Norberto de Freitas

wtf album covers norberto de freitas trapalhadas do balbino

After starring in Deliverance, Norberto turned his life towards music. We all get to share in the glory.

 

17. A Rainbow in Curved Air, by Jerry Riley

worst album covers jerry riley

You know you’re f’ed when the creepy dude from Ghostbusters 2 shows up in the sky.

 

18. Songs for Gay Dogs, by Paddy Roberts

wtf album songs for gay dogs

I know every single one of them.

 

19. Mojo Priest, by Steven Seagal & Thunderbox

worst album covers steven seagal

It’s very hard to discern his vocals as it’s all mumbled whispers, but this album is definitely above the law.

 

20. Oil and Vinegar, by Dave McKenna

wtf album cover oil and vinegar

This is getting out of hand.

 

21. Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday, by John Bult

wtf album covers julies 16th birthday

Someone has been waiting for this day for a very long time.                       – Hint, it’s not Julie

 

22. Felix Kubin’s matki wandalki

WTF album covers felix kubin

Young Christopher Walken in what his friends describe as the ‘holding in the watch years’

 

23. Music to Massage your Mate by

creepy album covers music to massage your mate by

Featuring vocals by Burt Reynolds. PS, have you ever been offered a massage by someone that wasn’t creepy looking?

 

24. My Lips are for Blowing, by Svetlana Gruebbersolvik

raunchy album covers my lips are for blowing

Young lady!!!

 

25. Hat, by Davy Graham

wtf album hat

Universally accepted as the greatest album ever made.

Apr 30

Three times a lady is how often I’ve been one. The first time was for dress as the opposite gender day in school. The second time was during a grueling game of truth or dare. But the third time, the third time was for me. A very attractive lady that I have been repeatedly buying coffee from recently told me she only dates girls. I didn’t ask, she just handed me my change and blurted that out. I think she has tourette’s, which makes her even hotter. The next day I walked in dressed in full drag. She noticed me right off. Who wouldn’t notice a 6’ tall woman with no boobs in a spandex body suit on rollerblades. I roll right up and ask her out on a date. She says “nice try Travis.” Oh, spotted, I knew I should have tucked it, especially since I chose to wear spandex. She gives me an ‘A’ for effort, I was hoping she would give more. Oh well, she would have eventually caught on, saved us from some shenanigans, and some hot lesbian action.

Shots Taken

You miss every shot you don’t take.

Applies to sports and drinking – which go hand in hand.

Salt Life

Salt Life bumper stickers truly are best on cars in landlocked cities.

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