Party Quotes – Winston Churchill

Party_Quotes_Winston_Churchill

The Force Awakens Alternate Ending

Nature Documentary on Fuckboys

Professional adventurer with South African accent is hiding in the brush observing a fuckboy in the wild

Adventurer: oh there’s a gorgeous one. You can identify them by their backwards baseball cap and cargo shorts. This one is hollering it’s mating call at passing females, quite unsuccessfully of course. We’ll have to be careful. When they get shot down by the females, they tend to get quite aggressive.

Oy, he’s spotted me! He’s now bucking his chest up, raising his arms and yelling ‘come at me bro’ in its native tongue in attempts to show dominance. You can really smell his Axe pheromones as his aggression increases. I’m going to toss it some taquitos to calm it down.

Science proves people are getting dumber by the day; 28 days until critical point is reached new study finds

Pick up

Cop: anything you say can and will be held against you

Me: your body

Cop: (blushes) ohh you 

*Cop holds me tight

Starbucks New Slogan

The creative team has assembled to come up with a new slogan for Starbucks.

 

Director:  Alright team, hit me.

Carli:  Starbucks, we’re your only choice.

Barbs:  Starbucks, we have cream and sugar, you’ll need a lot of it.

Cheedo:  Starbucks, once you go black…

Director:  I’m going to stop you right there. I’m not sure those slogans capture the essence of our brand.

Skasha:  Starbucks, yeah, we’re still doing the venti grandé thing. Fuck you.

Carli:  Or, Starbucks, we invented Ariana Grandé.

Barbs:  Starbucks, dark roasts for light people.

Director:  No.

Cheedo:  Starbucks, we’ll make you shit.

Director: Guys, these are awful, now come on, I need a winner.

Carli:  Starbucks, go fuck yourself

Director:  Why?

Carli:  Because we can.

Barbs:  Because we care.

Skasha:  Can we officially change our name to Starfucks?

Cheedo:  Or even better, Buttfucks!

Director:  We’re not changing our name, and don’t give me any more fucks.

Skasha:  Never do.

Carli:  Here’s a drawing I did for a mascot, his name is Dr. Bloodstool. See, he’s a bloody piece of poop. And he says ‘Remember to drink lots of Starbucks’ in a silly little voice.

Barbs:  Maybe make it should look more like a baby, to connect with the female demographic.

Carli:  Ooh, that’s good, a bloody poop baby that loves Starbucks.

Director:  No, that is not good, clearly I’ll have to do this myself.

Director:

Director:

Director:

Director:  Okay, give me a mockup of that poop baby.

Girl Leads Severed Arm Around the World

 Girl stages pictures around the world with the severed arm of a man 

7 Proven strategies when asking for a promotion

28/02/2013 Amsterdam Nederland: Beelden voor brochure en website van DSF Duisenberg school of finance.

Wikimedia commons via Duisenberg school of finance.

 

Everyone wants to be the leader, here are 7 surefire ways to secure the position you deserve.

 

1. Threaten the boss

Studies prove that managers want assertive team members who aren’t afraid to go the extra mile. If you believe you could take your boss in a fight, threaten them with violence. If they are bigger than you, threaten their family

 

2. Blackmail

When it comes to getting what you want, there is no better tactic than blackmail. Just ask anyone in power. Don’t believe us, check out these Skull and Bone pics of our world leaders performing humiliating sexual acts. You won’t see the people in those photos stepping out of line.

 

3. Challenge the boss to a breakdance battle

According to Forbes, all of the world’s top executives are master breakdancers. If you’ve got the skills, what are you doing at the bottom?

 

4. Offer sex

You don’t have to actually do it, just the thought of sex will seal any deal. When it comes time to perform, just say you have a headache.

 

5. Call the boss late at night and play the audio from Liam Neeson’s Taken Speech

No one crosses Liam Neeson, no one.

 

6. Ask for a demotion

According to the latest stats, surprise is essential in any negotiation. Throw them off the trail with this humble request. If they actually do demote you, ask for your old position back, which is a promotion in and of itself.

 

7. Be the boss

Even more effective than dressing for that position you want is acting like the position you want. Give orders to all, leave work early every Friday, take 3 hour lunches, be a dick. Nothing screams authority like being a dick.

 

If none of these work, resolve that you’re stuck in this rudimentary position and seduce the boss’s spouse. Because that’s what bosses are for right.

Nigerian Spam

You write with the eloquence of a Nigerian prince

Travis Tells Jokes – The News

If the news was a person, we’d hate that bastard. “oh no, here comes the news.” “Get the he’ll away from me you negative depressing trying to scare me with bullshit square jowled ridiculous named motherfucker! And shut the fuck up about the god damned economy!”

Travis Tells Jokes – Sex

You know a lot of people don’t like sex, but if it wasn’t for sex, none of us would be here.

Hollywood Diet

I’m on the new Hollywood diet, It takes a lot of discipline, none of you could do it. 

I only eat dysentery, which helps my body squirt the weight out. It works very quickly, and I was amazed seeing how much excess weight is just brown mush.

Travis Tells Jokes

Is biology the science that’s sometimes gay?

Or is it just the study of ‘two’ things

Voldemort

  

 

Action Movie Sex Decision

We get to the end of the action movie and my wife must decide which of us is the evil robot clone and which of us is her husband. 

I suggest she has sex with both of us as that would surely make it clear which of us is truly her husband. After an intense bout of serious doing it, I look into her eyes and tell her she just had sex with a robot. 

She shoots me. 

Worth it.